The lyrical world

The hours devour me
My life's wasted waiting here for you
There's nothing left of me
Lost in a void I don't see
There's nothing left to believe
The end is now
I surrender

The war is over
The rain is falling
And all that's left has blown away
Your eyes are haunted
By what you wanted
I surrender I surrender
The war is over

The anger I keep for you
The bitter lessons I will keep for me
There's nothing I can do
To save you from your own hell
There's nothing left for you
The end is now
I surrender

The war is over
The rain is falling
And all that's left has blown away
Your eyes are haunted
By what you wanted
I surrender I surrender
The war is over It's over now

I can see it, I can see what you've become
I can feel it, as everything goes numb

The war is over
The rain is falling
And all that's left has blown away
Your eyes are haunted
By what you wanted
I surrender I surrender
The war is over

-Chewie

The journey back to hell

Huddie, friend and brother. 1984 - 2007 RIP

Deceased 9:29 pm Friday 22nd December 2007


What to feel?
Someone so close, taken for nothing.

The way we met, in a sea of over 800 people, how is it possible that I met a person who was exactly like myself? Forged a bond so strong, It was fate, a wonderful person with a heart of gold and a smile that could fuel the world on it's most despair filled days.

Things of importance to him.

His baby chocolate lab "Hayley"
His pride and joy, 1994 Nissan Laurel, cranking out 234 RWKW
His girlfriend Lana and all the rest of his friends and family including myself who trusted him so much we'd follow him to hell and back for whatever reason.

I'm finding it really hard to really put into words how I'm feeling now, I'm still spun, I'm sad and alone but hate myself for not being able to express how I feel to someone that meant so much to me and always will.

I'm sure the words will come soon enough but till then all I can really say is, I love you brother and will miss you with every inch of my heart, everyday until we meet again.

-Chewie

The Roller Coaster

A certain balance has been reached, the downward spiral seemingly curved by blind optimism mixed with my usual touch of angst.

It's funny when you can pin point growing up on an exact moment, a moment to step up to do whats right, a moment to step up to be a man and least impressively, a moment to reflect on all thats wrong with yourself and your actions and take charge in order to finally put yourself first.

All the disgusting wrongs of my past which I can thankfully suffer alone are beginning to dissolve and I'm not sure thats because of the right elements but thats life right? Being thrown in the deep end in a matter of days for something I'm not sure yet is right but it feels so good trying. The stomach turning lows of uncertainty and the moments of divine clarity where is just feels like this world made just for you.

The alone time is drawing to a close and it's time to look forward to a future of making the right mistakes, so to speak, finally letting go of the tight grip I had on my destiny and letting it float through the wind like many a horrible cliche`.

The footing is loose and there is always a dampness in the air, but so as the calm before the storm, I'm ready to take what life throws at me.

God, I talk some bullshit sometimes but the bottom line here and now is, I'm ready for my real life to begin, no second guessing, no putting myself second, just really being open to all that is coming my way, the sweetness and the sour.


Till next time
-Chewie

The Cowardly Lion must die

Under the pale dirty glow of the street lamp, amidst the devoid calm of surburbia, there he lies, afraid to see his own relfection in the pool of blood that surrounds his once proud visage. Bruised, battered and broken.

As I cast a long cold stare into his glazed eyes, with one hand on his throat and the other ready to deliver the final blow, he begs and pleads for me to spare him.
My mind is assaulted by a barrage of memories that have ultimatly led me to destroy what I have created.


The weight of this cowardice being absorbed by everything good left in me, the helpless struggle to look in the mirror and to be proud of what is looking back at me.

The Cowardly Lion is me, retard, he has been living in me for as long as I can remember, he has stopped me from enjoying so many things and ever truly being at ease with myself and with others.

I created him through promises not kept and bonds violated by my own ignorance, selfishness and weakness.

His death will break hearts, shatter promises and send me into a spiral of guilt that might ultimatly lead to his ressurection, but I can't let that happen.

My eyes return to focus with a solitary tear rolling down my cheek, I unclench my fist.
Not tonight, I am not strong enough.

-Chewie

The less than real day one

You know when you look up at an airplane and focus on a window knowing someone is sitting there and taking a tour of their world?

Who they are? Where they are going and how they got there?

I'm your window seat.

Oh, how dramatic, Chewie!

When the embodiment of mispent youth, broken promises and a life wishing for something better turns around and says "Why am I smothered in gravy? Did I miss something fun?", I take a step back and realize in all my pathetic poetic takes on life that I am a snowflake.

All the superficial measures of a "man" apply to some extent. I play with fast cars, like the women folk and seemingly am well excepted by my piers, but when it comes time to deconstruct I don't particularly like what I see and this brings me to why the fate of the world rests on my shoulders.

Is this going somewhere?
Sure, why not?

All great journeys start somewhere.


DAY ONE

The beginning of a journey founded with nothing but jaded optimism. The hope from those around me, the tarnish, as usual, liberally applied by me.

As I sit here waiting, cross legged, quietly admiring the bath tub drain maroon carpet, in a very empty hallway, I have only one regret, that I am using a "Hello Kitty" notebook to begin to chronicle what will surely be the greatest battle I will ever undertake... That and labeling this epic saga "Day One".

Under the almost moist glare of the halogen lamps that emit an almost smokers teeth ambient yellow, I begin to notice the hallway slowly filling.

As I sit alone, cross legged, armed with only my back pack, note pad and a head full of insecurity, I begin to realize that the wanderers who are slowly filling the hallway are drawn to me.

Like most parts of my life, it's all been carefully dissected well before time, except for the Hello Kitty notebook. I'm wearing a t-shirt just tight enough to hug my biceps so as to give the impression I just might be big and bad after all.
I've got just the right amount of five o clock rust on my face and I am franticly scribbling away at this seemingly real time diatribe that is only a testament to the fact that I wanted to look busy in front of randoms so they'd think I was intelligent or something.

I look at the clock on the wall, 5:56, time to move.
As I arise from my ass numbing position, I notice, like a herd of wilderbeasts, the randoms are following.

All of a sudden, like a computer generated montage from an Olsen Twins movie, I'm reliving conversations of the past.
A particularly notorious debate about how nice I am. If you really knew me then you'd know my stance on the issue.
I'm only nice so people will think I'm nice. For which the rebuttal is typically, yes, but that makes you nice.
I'd be scared of heights and the dark too if it wasn't going to disappoint people to find out I wasn't.

So here I am, all my carefully planned subtleties have worked, I'm the sheppard and they are my flock.

Is it finally time to realize that perception is reality? That substance doesn't always prevail over shine?

With these new tools in hand, I take a deep breath, grip my backpack with one hand and gaze around all knowingly at my subjects and think, I'm not better than you, but you think I am...

Till next time
-Chewie